Fear

If you've known me for long enough, you've probably heard me talk about my irrational fears. Seeing as I am a mostly rational person, I do identify that these fears are indeed irrational. But, I still have them nonetheless.


#1 Other people's hair.
So no, I'm not afraid of other people's hair when it's on their heads. This fear only manifests when I see other people's hair anywhere but their heads (i.e. on a table, on the floor, or the absolute worst-- on food). You can only imagine the nightmare going to a hair salon is for me. I can't sit down at the salon chair until the person who went before me's hair has been adequately swept and disposed of.


#2 Onions.
I don't know where this fear came from. But I cannot eat, smell, or often touch any food that includes onions. It doesn't matter if the onions are raw or cooked or sliced or chopped up so small I can't see them or even pulverized into a powder. I can still tell they're there. When I go to restaurants I often tell my waiter I'm allergic to onions just so they'll be nowhere near my food. After all, an allergy is easier to explain and be accepted than an irrational fear.


#3 Chia Pets.
The final, and probably the most irrational of all my irrational fears. To put it simply, these little demon clay plants head things creep me out more than most anything in the world. One time I came home to find an Obama Chia Pet in a box sitting on my dining room table. I freaked out and grabbed it and threw it into the garage, breaking it in the process. It turns out my dad had purchased it for a White Elephant gift game at work. Whoops.


I guess the bottom line is-- I have fears. I have legitimate fears. I have things that scare me so much I ache. I'm afraid of loved ones dying. I'm afraid of failing. I'm afraid of moving back home after college. I'm afraid of getting attacked or robbed or kidnapped. But these fears are rational and calculated and even if the chances are slim they are still possible.
I prefer not to dwell on these fears, or even admit them sometimes. I am much more open and willing to discuss (evil, disgusting) chia pets or gag at the sight of an onion. It turns out sometimes, that being irrational is much safer and more comforting than being rational. At least when it comes to fear.

When I feel

WHEN I FEEL:

(This'll be my 20)

PRODUCTIVE

You can find me in the Library.

Studying, doing homework, drinking espresso.

BORED

You can find me in the Community Room, My Room, Johnson Hall.

Watching Hulu, reading, staring into space.

SAD

You can find me in my bed.

Eating Milanos and listening to showtunes.

HAPPY

You can find me outside or just out.

Around my friends, jamming to music, chilling, adventuring.

TIRED

You can find me in my bed or at Starbucks.

Sleeping, ordering coffee.

ANGRY

You can find me in my room.

Talking to my mom on the phone, hitting my head against my pillow.

SOCIAL

You probably can't find me.

With my friends, making new friends, out on the town.

Freezing

My childhood is puff of cigarette smoke.

It is there and I can see it.

But I can't touch it and I know that 

it'd feel nice in the short

but then 

would only hurt 

If I were to breath it.

My hands still reach and grasp though

but never, ever hold.

At least not for long

I am young, so young,

but very, very old.

And I can't belong.

Out and in,

In and out.

Eyes closed and shut and sealed.

Letting go and moving on, 

has never ever burned 

or felt so close and real.

And this ache is prevalent, but mild,

pulling at my heart, nagging and teasing.

(As Melchior said)

"It's cold in these bones of a man and a child,"

And I am cold.

I am freezing.

Zzzzz

Yesterday I slept for 18 hours.

18 hours.

Essentially I slept the entire day away.

To add some perspective to this: 

I went to sleep at 5 o'clock Saturday morning (after working as a PA for 14 hours) and woke up at 11 o'clock Saturday night.

I did not see the light of Saturday whatsoever.

Maybe some people think it is normal to sleep this long. But in no way, shape, or form is this normal behavior for me.

If I had it my way I wouldn't sleep at all.

I'm a do-er. An incredibly ambitious and controlling person. I don't like to miss a beat. Everyone in my life knows this, has been annoyed by this, and can attest to this.

That's why most of my family and friends thought I was dead yesterday. My poor parents went as far as to call multiple of my friends to confirm I wasn't dead in a ditch somewhere, simply because I hadn't answered my phone all day (which was actually dead).

I assume this all means that I needed the sleep. Which every bone in my body hates to admit. I've been pretty busy the past few weeks with classes and interning and attempting to maintain a social life. But I wouldn't want it any other way. Busy is the only way I know how to be. It's the only way I ever want to be. 

There is so much I want to do with my life that I can't stand to waste days being not busy.

So there you go, tired body, you got your sleep. All 18 hours of it. Today is homework and being social and getting ready for the busy week ahead.

As it should be.

My A-ha moment

I had an epiphany the other day.

I was on set working as an (unpaid) production assistant for an independent movie that's filming in Richmond.

The jobs that I get to do are pretty random. Ranging from locking up the set to fixing the male lead's tux after he goes to the bathroom.

So maybe I'm not living the dream. At least not yet.

I have no problem doing these crazy little tasks because I can see the end of the intern tunnel. I know that everyone has to pay their dues before they can actually make it, and I'm fine with that. I'm ready for anything that will get thrown at me on my path to becoming a successful filmmaker.

But that's not the epiphany.

That happened when I was standing on the sidelines watching all the professionals due their work to set up a shot, and I overheard a "tech" conversation between some of the camera crew.

And I knew what they were saying. I understood the weird terms they were spitting out because I just learned these weird terms in my cinema class. 

I'm learning all of this in my class.

The realization that what I am actually learning and doing can be applied to real movie-making world jolted me.

It jolted me awake.

And that's when I had the epiphany--

I am going to do this for the rest of my life.

If I can spend my years on a movie set doing something, anything, I am going to be happy. In fact I'm going to be more than happy, I am going to be whole.

I have never felt more validated and sure in my entire life. When I called my mom to tell her about it I felt tears welling in my eyes. I felt a little ridiculous at first, that something so little could cause this awakening and fulfilling epiphany. But I think the only thing that really matters is how I feel now.

And how I feel is the grinning from ear-to-ear happiness that only comes around sometimes. So I'm going to hang on that feeling for as long as I can.